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Noah & the Ark...2005
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save
the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed
to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the
Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and
all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah.
"I did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans
did not comply
with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got
into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was
a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the
owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch
any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have
16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group.
They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to
the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the
Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed
new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the
Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I
just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax
and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water
craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6
years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began
to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up
hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth,
Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has "
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Communication....
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Sam and his
wife Melissa
listened to the instructor declare, "It is
essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are
important to each other."
He addressed the men, asking, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?"
Sam leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered
"Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant...
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