FMS Jokes Page 59

Life Explained......

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give
you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten
monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house
and bark at everybody.

Small Town Doctors.....

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable
either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to:
"Schizoids And Hemorrhoids." No go!

Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good.
How about, "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried, "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Nor did: "Analysis and Anal Cysts",
"Nuts and Butts",
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons" -- none worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title
they thought might be acceptable to the council: "Dr . Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!!!!!

As we age, our priorities change.....

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went golfing.