FMS Jokes Page 56

Fifteen New Regulations in the Registry of
Motor Vehicle's 2005 Handbook

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Massachusetts driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with NH plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in
Massachusetts during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Massachusetts driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed
slalom-driving along the Route 128 Speedway; thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not
move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In Massachusetts, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should
always be returned.
Thank You,
The Massachusetts Registrar of Motor Vehicles

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs
for her to do.

MAN: "Well, you can paint my porch,"

BLONDE: "Are you sure?"

MAN: "Yes I'm sure. How much will you charge me?"

BLONDE: after looking about, responded: "How about $50?"

The man quickly agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband: "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think
she's dumb?"

"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' jokes."

"Not to mention the great price, hah!" - sniggered the man.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."