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Variety of Statues |
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Odds &
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Words
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Jokes....
Some Contain Mature Content!! |
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New York
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Smith was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Smith?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Smith. The Lord opened a can of
tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Smith looked down into hell and
noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant,
pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Smith if he was hungry, and
Smith again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can
of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Smith noticed a
feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was
opened. Meekly, Smith said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in
heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But,
this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the
other place, they eat like kings. I just don't
understand."
"To be honest, Smith," the Lord said, "for just two
people, does it pay to cook?"
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A lady from New York State, who was a tree hugger and dedicated
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large
tree on one of the highest points in
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural
splendor of her purchase, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a Bald Eagle that attacked
her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to
the ground and got many splinters in her.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor.
She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was and
how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told
her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could
help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the U.S. Forest Service, the
Bureau of Land Management, NY Department of Environmental
Conservation, and the Adirondack Park Agency before I could remove
old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but
they all turned me down".
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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we
decided to get married.
get married. My
parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a
dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That
one thing was her younger sister.
miniskirts, and low cut
blouses. She would
regularly bend down when near me, and I got many
a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She
never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister
calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
She was alone when I
arrived. She whispered to me that soon I
could not overcome and did
not really want to overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my
life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it
just come up and get
me." I was
stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top,
she pulled down her panties and threw them down the walked straight
toward my car.
My future father-in-law
was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our test. We
could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family!
The moral of this story
is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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