THE MAMMOGRAM
APPOINTMENT
I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with , "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to
do is step into this room hereee, strip to the waist, thennn
slip on this gown. Everything clearrr?"
I'm
thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket
science."
Belinda
skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It
takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in
less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice
and everything nice...it's Spandex.
We
can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of
square glass and still pop back into shape.
With
the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and
lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine,"
I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not
use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with
my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square
glass) when we heard, and then felt, a zap! Complete darkness
and the power went off!
"What?"
I yelled.
"Oh,
maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda
headed for the door.
"Excuse
me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the
door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll
be rightttt backkkk."
Before
I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And
that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling
from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After
exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew
the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria I replied with
as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes...yes I did,
thanks."
"You
bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh
I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And
that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps!