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Have Your
Mammies Grammed!
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"OK," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding??
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!
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HERE'S
WHY PEOPLE OVER 35 SHOULD BE DEAD TODAY!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us
who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the
early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based
paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or
cabinets, . and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts
or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm
day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from
a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with
sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were
always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one
bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and
then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the
brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to
solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and
play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights
came on. No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no
video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape
movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal
computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really
hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and
teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents
They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue
and learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and
tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it
would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on
the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to
them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a
grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our
own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law
was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.
Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers
and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them!
Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow
up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our
lives, for our own good !!!!!
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