Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,
if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in
every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic
or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat
the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's
like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing
else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound
plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as
you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like
a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're
never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more
than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just
around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"
