|
| |
|
| |
 | A little child in church for the first time watched
as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew
where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear:
"Don't pay for me, Daddy, I'm under five."
|
| A little boy was attending his first wedding. After
the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man
marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was
amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have
to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer,
4 poorer."
|
| After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy
suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a
minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what
made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy,
"I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be
more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
|
| A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer
at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we
forgive those who passed trash against us."
|
| A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why,
God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things
out?"
|
| A little girl became restless as the preacher's
sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and
whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us
go?"
|
| After the christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His
father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I want to stay with you guys!"
|
| Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures
of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture,
which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story
it was meant to represent. The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh,
that's Pontius - the pilot.
|
| The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny,
tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No
sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a
good cook."
|
| A college drama group presented a play in which one
character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend
into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the
trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play
was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another
actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor
announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the
rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No
amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in
the balcony jumped up and yelled, "Hallelujah! Hell is
full!"
|
| Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship
service at First Baptist church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with
a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to
sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned
over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going
to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
|
| A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as
he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her
eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was
alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke
up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes,
sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me
too?" "Yes, indeed, Honey," he said, "God made you
just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again,
she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?" |
|
| |
|
35 Fun Things To
Do While Driving |
|
| |
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat.
Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.
The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll
collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window
or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers
on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry
look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out
the window.
22. Keep at least five monkeys in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If a firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your
car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill.
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop.
Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When
they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and
exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on. Loud.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then
gather them back up as the light changes and drive off.. |
| |
|
| |
| All porcupines float in water.
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise
it will digest itself.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
uncopyrightable.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth.
Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents
and then swallows the stomach back down again.
If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to
swallow.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the 7th floor of a building, it has
about 30% less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the 20th
floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what
is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian
coat of arms for that reason.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its
eyeballs it will let you go instantly.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the
bottom.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years of age.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
If a statue in the park is of a person on a horse that has both front legs
in the air, then the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg
in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if
the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and
purple.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
In "Casablanca", Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it
again, Sam".
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.
Starfishes have no brains.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump |
| |
|
| |
| "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5
tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949
|
| "I think there is a world market for maybe five
computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
|
| "I have travelled the length and breadth of this
country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in
charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
|
| "But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at
the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the
microchip
|
| "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in
their home." -- Ken Olson, President, Chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
|
| "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be
seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
|
| "The wireless music box has no imaginable
commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in
particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings
for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
|
| "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in
order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A
Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper
proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found
Federal Express Corp.
|
| "Who would want to hear actors talk?" --
H.M.
Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
|
| "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling
on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not
to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
|
| "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market
research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy
cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting
Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
|
| "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on
the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
|
| "Heavier-than-air flying machines are
impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
|
| "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done
the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do
this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives
for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
|
| "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this
amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think
about funding us? Or, we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, we'll come work for you.' And, they said, 'No.' So then, we
went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder
Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve
Wozniak's personal computer.
|
| "Professor Goddard does not know the relation
between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a
vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled
out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about
Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
|
| "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle
development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact
of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an
unalterable condition of weight training." -- Response to Arthur
Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing
Nautilus.
|
| "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to
try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried
to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
|
| "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently
high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale
University, 1929.
|
| "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military
value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
|
| "Everything that can be invented has been
invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
1899.
|
| "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous
fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." -- Sir John Eric Ericksen,
British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
|
| "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill
Gates, 1981 |
|
| |
|
| |
|
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on
"Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite
of progress?
|
| |
|
I WANT TO RESIGN AS AN ADULT |
|
| |
| I hereby tender my resignation as an adult. I have decided to accept
the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.
I want to go to McDonnald's and think that it's a four
star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make
ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because
you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade
stand with my friends on a hot summer day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When
all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but
that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and
you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully
unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and
be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to
consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how
to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor
bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making
angels in the snow.
So....here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit
card bills and my investments.
I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you
want discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,
"Tag! You're It."
|
| |
|
Want To Know Why Teachers Cry At Night?
|
|
| |
|
No matter how much experience a person has a professional Teacher,
there are days when you feel as if you are talking to a brick wall. You
can have the best lesson plans in the world and your delivery can be
spectacular, but just when you are feeling good about yourself, your
students can bring you tumbling down to ground level in an instant.
Consider the following story about what might happen to Jesus if he were
instructing his disciples in our school system today.
Jesus took his disciples on a little nature field trip into the nearby
hills and gathered them all around him for a lesson. He taught them,
saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
Blessed are the meek,
Blessed are the merciful,
Blessed are you who thirst for justice,
Blessed are you who are persecuted,
Blessed are the peacemakers...
And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this stuff down?"
And Philip said, "Will this be on the test?"
And John said, "I’m sorry. Would you mind repeating that?"
And Andrew said, "John the Baptist’s disciples don’t have to
learn this stuff."
And Matthew said, "Huh?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"
Then, one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law said, "I don’t
see any of this in your course outline. Do you have a lesson plan? Is
there a summary? Where is the student guide? Will there be any follow-up
assignments? How will this affect the bell curve?
And Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and
said, "Did we do anything important yesterday?"
And Jesus wept.
All readers who are teachers or who know someone who is a teacher will
appreciate the preceding story. And for most teachers, the story is not
far from what actually takes place from time to time in our classrooms.
You can all take heart knowing that Jesus, himself, the greatest
teacher of all, would have face the same challenges if He found Himself in
the classroom today.
|
| |
|
The Christian Origin of
The 12 Days of Christmas???
|
|
| |
|
When most people hear "The 12 Days of Christmas" they think
of the song. Legend has it that this song had it’s origins as a teaching
tool to instruct young people in the meaning and content of the Christian
faith. From 1558 to 1829 Roman Catholics in England were not able to
practice their faith openly so they had to find other ways to pass on
their beliefs. The song, "The 12 Days of Christmas" is one
example of how they did it.
The song goes, "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to
me..." The ‘true love represents God and the ‘me’ who receives
these presents is the Christian.
The "partridge in a pear tree" was Jesus Christ who died on a
tree as a Gift from God.
The "two turtle doves" were the Old and New Testaments, also
a gift from God.
The "three French hens" were faith, hope and love - the three
gifts of the Spirit (1Corinthians 13).
The "four calling birds" were the four Gospels which sing the
song of salvation through Jesus Christ.
The "five golden rings" were the first five books of the
Bible, also called the "Book of Moses".
The "six geese a-laying" were the six days of creation.
The "seven swans a-swimming" were the "seven gifts of
the Holy Spirit."
The "eight maids a-milking" were the eight beatitudes.
The "nine ladies dancing" were nine fruits of the Holy Spirit
(Galatians 5:22-23).
The "ten lords a-leaping" were the Ten Commandments.
The "eleven pipers piping" were the eleven faithful
disciples.
The "twelve drummers drumming" were the twelve points of the
Apostles’ Creed.
So next time you hear "The 12 Days of Christmas" consider how
this otherwise non-religious song had its origins in the Christian Faith.
|
| |
|
I’ve Learned That Life Is Like A Roll of Toilet Paper
|
|
| |
|
I’ve learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
you get to the end, the faster it goes.
I’ve learned...that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of
an elderly person.
I’ve learned...that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of
the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I’ve learned...that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I’ve learned...that no matter how serious your life requires you to
be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I’ve learned...that we should be glad we don’t get everything we
wish for.
I’ve learned...that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold.
I’ve learned...that it’s those small daily happenings that make
life so spectacular.
I’ve learned...that under everyone’s hard shell is someone who
wants to be appreciated and loved.
I’ve learned...that the Lord didn’t do it all in one day. What
makes me think I can.
I’ve learned...that love, not time, heals all wounds.
I’ve learned...that you can make someone’s day by simply sending
them a little note.
I’ve learned...that you can tell a lot about a man by how he handles
these three things: a rainy day; lost luggage; and tangled Christmas tree
lights.
I’ve learned...that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.
I’ve learned...that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as
making a ‘life’.
I’ve learned...that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I’ve learned...that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People like human touches like holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.
I’ve learned...that I still have a lot to learn.
|
| |
|
| |
|
See if you can see yourself as you read this chronology. Imagine you
are looking at yourself in front of a mirror. The gender used is that of a
female, but I am certain that men will identify with this as well.
At the age of 8, she looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella.
At the age of 15, she looks at herself and sees herself as a fat
Cinderella with PMS and pimples and refuses to go out looking like this.
At the age of 20, she looks at herself and sees too fat or too thin,
too short or too tall, hair too straight or too curly, but decides she’s
going out anyway.
At the age of 30, she looks at herself and sees too fat or too thin,
too short or too tall, hair too straight or too curly, but too busy to fix
it so she’s going out anyway.
At the age of 40, she looks at herself and sees too fat or too thin,
too short or too tall, hair too straight or too curly, but says, "At
least I’m clean," and goes anyway.
At the age of 50, she looks at herself and sees "I am" and
goes wherever she wants to.
At the age of 60, she looks at herself and reminds herself of all the
people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. She then
goes out and conquers the world.
At the age of 70, she looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and
ability, and goes out and enjoys life.
At the age of 80, she doesn’t bother to look at herself in the
mirror. She just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun.
The message of this story is that perhaps we should all grab that
purple hat a little earlier in life.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
