NO GIFT THIS YEAR
One year a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a Cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift. The next year he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked
him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I
bought you last year!"
RIDDLES TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS
Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish
on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with
a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with
a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of
Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about
buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for
Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given
for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy
electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered
the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas is when you exchange hellos with strangers and
good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on
the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the
birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred
Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one
I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas
pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to
the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a
shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for
reservations.
Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's
Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
Christmas is the time when everyone gets Santamental.
I know. I know. I know that people say "It's the
thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a
little bigger!
Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving
and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!
Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a
horse with TV antenna.
Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a
Clearance Sale.
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks
to credit cards, it's on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.
Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive.
This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.
I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the
gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so
he'd know when to stop unwrapping.
When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a
Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.
Christmas is a time when people get emotional over
family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.
I remember my dad was shopping in a toy store. He said,
"That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it." The Clerk said,
"Great, I'm sure your son will love it." Dad said, "Maybe
you're right. I'll take two."
ALL YOU CAN DRINK FOR 55 CENTS
There was a business woman driving home on a hot day down this country
road when she spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand. Since she
was thirsty, she decided to stop. Once she got up to the little boy's
stand, she noticed a sign that said, "All you can drink 55
cents".
Although she thought it was an awfully small glass, she decided to get
some anyway, since it was only 55 cents for all you can drink. She gave
the boy two quarters and a nickel, and shot down the whole glass in one
swallow.
Slapping the small glass back onto the table, she says, "Fill 'er
up!"
Without blinking, the kid replies, "Sure thing, that'll be 55
cents."
Surprised, the irritated business woman sputters, "but your sign
says all you can drink for 55 cents."
"It is," the innocent little boy replies without hesitation,
"That is all you can drink for 55 cents."
THE PARKING LOT
A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan
officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs
to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for such a loan.
So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the
street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls
into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later,
the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes
to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco
can I park my car for two weeks for $15 bucks?"
I KNEW THEY MEANT BUSINESS
A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from
tutors to hypnosis, but with no success. Finally, at the urging of a
family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school highly
regarded for its high moral standards and focus on supporting loving
families. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he
walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined
expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and
quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -
with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He
emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went
straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his
studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was
time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it
unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large
red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed
into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy
shook his head and said, "No."
Next the father asked, "Was it the one-to-one
tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" Again, the boy said, "No."
Surprised, the father continued probing, "The
textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
Yet again, the son said, "No. On that first day,
when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign,
I KNEW they meant business!"
IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is
not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never
fails.)
Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something
new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of
professionals built the Titanic.
THE TROUBLE WITH EMAIL
A couple from Sudbury decided to go to Florida for a
long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They
both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It
was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife
would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband
checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his
wife an e-mail back in Sudbury. However, he accidentally left off one
letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.
In the mean time, in Toronto, a widow had just returned
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been
"called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone
to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages
from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and
fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother
on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to
seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go
Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida
and mine is in New York.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her
way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she
said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and
electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and
no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me,
"In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She
hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I
too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
WHY TEACHERS GO GREY
One day a teacher was helping one of her kindergarten
students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her
pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn`t want to go on. When the
second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when
the little boy said,
"Teacher, they`re on the wrong feet." She
looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn`t any easier pulling the boots
off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together
they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren`t my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
didn`t you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled
to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They`re my brother`s boots. My Mom
made me wear them." She didn`t know if she should laugh or cry. She
than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He
said,
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
TEN DOLLARS IS TEN DOLLARS
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Country Fair every year. Every
year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I’d like to ride in that there air
plane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy,
but that air plane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."
Then one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and
Stumpy said, "Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that air
plane this year, I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there air plane ride
costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I’ll
make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you
say one word, it’s ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did
all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word or a squeal
was to be heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word or
sound was heard.
They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By
golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn’t. I can’t charge you the ten dollars. The ride is free."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something
when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
THIS ONE IS FOR THE LADIES
Three guys were enjoying a relaxing day of fishing when out of the
blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting
each of them a wish.
One of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says, "Okay, if you
can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."
The mermaid said, "Done."
Suddenly, the guy started reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analysed
what he had recited with great insight.
The second guy was so amazed that he told the mermaid to triple his
I.Q.
In an instant the second guy started spouting solutions to problems
that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world.
The last guy was so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he
turned to the mermaid and said, "Qintuple my I.Q."
The mermaid looked at him and said, "You know, I normally don’t
try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really think
you should reconsider."
The guy said, "Nope, I want you to multiple my I.Q. times five,
and if you don’t I won’t set you free."
"Please," the mermaid said. "You don’t know what you’re
asking! It’ll change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask
for something else, like a million dollars or anything?
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his
I.Q. increased to five times its usual power.
Finally, the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."
And the third guy turned into a woman.
Sound Like Anyone You Know?
The notorious cheapskate finally decide to have a Christmas party.
Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up
to room 319 and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door opens,
push with your foot."
"Why do I have to use my elbow and foot?" asked the friend.
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You’re not coming
empty-handed, are you?"
Here, Let Me Help You
In the early morning hours the young woman heard a tapping on her
bedroom window. There on a ladder was her boyfriend. Their elopement was
going according to plan. "Are you ready?", he asked.
"Yes," answered the woman. "But don’t talk so loud.
You might wake my father up."
"Wake him up? Who do you think is holding the ladder."
Country Traditions!
There once was a country family which followed a tradition of naming
all babies within an hour of their birth. One day a member of that family
was rushed to the hospital, where she gave birth to twins. At the same
time, her husband was rushed to the hospital unconscious with a head
injury received when he fell off his tractor. When the man came to, he was
informed that his wife had given birth to a boy and girl two hours before,
and his brother had given them names.
"Oh, no, not my brother," groaned the man. "He’s such
a practical joker. What did he name them?"
"He named the girl Denise," replied the nurse.
"Oh, I like that name," said the man, obviously relieved.
"What did he name the boy?"
"Denephew."
Yard Sale Logic
One Saturday my wife came back from yet another yard sale with an
armful of packages and a big smile. She began explaining each bargain to
me. Finally, she held up a pair of olive-drab slacks, declaring proudly,
"I paid only fifty cents for these."
I did a double take. "But aren’t those the same pants you sold
for one dollar at our yard sale last year?"
"Yes," she admitted with a giggle. "But this year they
fit me, and I’m fifty cents ahead!"
Keep The Change
A mother saw her three-year-old son put a nickel into his mouth and
swallow it. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit
him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantic, she called to
the father outside, "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up
two dimes! What should I do?
Yelled back the father, "Keep feeding him nickels!"
Innocence
A six-year old girl showed her mother a picture of a fat cat she had
drawn. She told her mom that the cat was going to have kittens, then
promptly outlined in pencil, four very small kittens inside the cat’s
body. The mother, seizing an opportunity to perhaps initiate a discussion
about reproduction asked, "Do you know how they got there?’
Looking seriously at her mother, the little girl answered, "Of
course I know. I drew them."
How True!
A preacher wrote on the blackboard: "I pray for all."
A lawyer wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
An ordinary passerby came along and muttered: "I pay for it
all!"
Real Value!
Two young women met a frog on the street.
"Kiss me," the frog said, "and I’ll turn into an
independent, wealthy oilman."
One of the women picked him up and put him in her purse.
"Aren’t you going to kiss him?" the other asked.
"No. A talking frog is really worth something."
A Real Baseball Fan!
A psychiatrist was treating a man whose complaint was that baseball had
become an obsession. "It’s so bad I can’t sleep. I no sooner
close my eyes than I’m out on the pitcher’s mound or running around
the bases. I wake up more exhausted than I was when I went to bed. What
can I do?"
"Why don’t you try dreaming of a beautiful girl in your
arms," said the doctor.
"Are you crazy? And lose my turn at bat?"
A Reason For Every Golfer To Be Good!
When the avid golfer arrived in Hades, he was overjoyed to find himself
on the most beautiful golf course he’d ever seen. Grabbing a complete
set of top-line pro clubs sitting next to the first tee, he gleefully
asked Satan, "Where are the golf balls?"
Replied his host with a leer, "There isn’t a single one in the
whole place - that’s the hell of it!"
A Silly Question
An elderly farmer was brought into the hospital because he appeared
confused and was thought to have had a stroke. Attempting to assess his
mental state, the doctor asked, "If you have a hundred sheep in a
pasture and seven escape, how many will be left?"
"Zero," replied the farmer.
"No, the answer is ninety-three," said the doctor.
"Fella," the farmer replied, "You don’t know nothin’
about sheep. When one of them dumb critters decides to go, they all
go."
No Further Arguments
"Your honour," the accused hit-and-run driver’s lawyer
pleaded, "That pedestrian who was injured must have been careless. My
client is an experienced driver of more than twenty years!"
"If experience is the issue here," the other attorney
countered, "my client has been walking for over fifty years."
Through the Eyes Of A Child
A mother had taken her three-year-old daughter to the supermarket one
hot summer day. An attractive young black woman in a brightly coloured
flowered dress was pushing her basket in the opposite direction and they
kept passing each other as they turned up each aisle. The little girl had
never seen a black person and her eyes sparkled with interest. The girl’s
mother was beginning to feel uncomfortable, wondering how the black lady
must feel being starred at by her daughter.
When they both reached the checkout the young woman was in front of the
mother and her daughter when the little girl asked inquisitively ,
"Mommy?" When the mother tried to avoid the obvious, the little
girl said again, "Mommy?"
Then in a whisper, the girl said, "Mommy? Isn’t it a pretty
dress that lady’s wearing."
The Customer Is Always Right
"How did you lose your job at the clothing store?" a woman
asked her friend.
"Well, after trying on about twenty-five dresses, this one fussy
rich lady said to me, "I think I’d look nicer in something
flowing."
The friend replied, "I just looked at her and told her to try the
French River."
It Wasn’t Me!
"Congratulations," said a voice on the telephone. "You
have just won the grand prize of a million dollars on your lottery ticket.
Are you happy."
"Deliriously happy!" exclaimed the winner.
"And what is the first thing you are going to do?" asked the
voice.
"Tell my friends it wasn’t me."
Who Should Pay?
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They
arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered Saint Peter explained
that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said,
"and I’ll return you to earth as if the whole thing never
happened."
"Done!" said the American. Instantly he found himself
standing unhurt near the scene.
"Where are the others?" a medic asked.
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling
price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
Neat Trick!
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience.
He was so intense that that manager gave him a tough account with the
promise that if he collected it, he’d get the job. Two hours later,
Jones came back with the whole amount. "Amazing!" the manager
said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn’t pay
up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us."
Wrong Way!
The miserly millionaire called a family conference. "I’m placing
a box of money in the attic," he said. "When I die, I intend to
grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it’s
my time to go."
The family respected his wishes. After his death the millionaire’s
wife looked in the attic. The box was still there. "The fool!"
she said. "I told him he should have put it in the basement."
Too Much Consultation!
A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race, and the
Japanese won by a kilometre. The Americans hired analysts to figure out
what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing
and seven rowing, while the Americans had seven managing and only one
rowing. The American company immediately restructured its team. Now they
had one senior manager, six management consultants and one rower.
In the rematch the Japanese won by two kilometres. So the American
company fired the rower.
Why Parents Have Gray Hair!!!
The manager of a big company needed to call one of his
employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He
dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s
whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster,
the manager asked, "Is your daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the manager, the small voice whispered,
"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the manager asked, "Is your mommy
there."
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the manager decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there
besides you?" the manager asked.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the
manager asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he’s busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the manager.
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the
whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the manager asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the manager, now very
alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the manager
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"Me."
Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans
The following is an article which may help dog-owners better understand
their pets. It is the text of a secret document which was discovered by
accident inside the walls of an old dog house and appears to have been
something which was widely distributed in dog circles. Is your dog playing
mind games with your? You decide!
1. After your humans give you a bath, don’t let them towel dry you!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.
This is especially good if it’s right before your humans’ bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your
ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done
something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the
house for the damage they think you have caused.
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then
when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back
at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go ‘pee’,
sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you
choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure
everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have
forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every
time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when
playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet
them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something
terrible has happened to you. Don’t reappear until one of your humans is
panic-stricken and close to tears.
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time.
Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and
make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back
inside, fall asleep. Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going
outside. This will drive them nuts. |